Some people are made to lead and be that anchor…
While others are called to a different path, more turbulent, violent, a relentless pursuit of one’s soul…one’s sanity, one’s heart…
I say, Wait On the LORD… Wait on the Lord … In His time, He will come. He will scoop you up, out of the pit, the miry clay and set your feet on the Solid Rock…
No one tells you what it looks and feels like in the waiting… Generational curses are not broken so easily… Sometimes it takes someone willing to stand in the GAP …. The Travail…
Some of Us have to face demons, hell and some of the most wicked entities and behaviors we didn’t even know existed… generational curses… a Repeat of the Prison your ancestors faced… I’m not surprised when I can look back on my life and see that I walked through very similar paths that prior generations of my family faced… Some curses are so strong that they just go from generation to generation…
Until it got to me…. I am the Lords beloved and He is mine. There is a sweet surrender when you are at a point in your life when the only person you have in your corner is yourself….. That is where GOD found me as a teenager. You know you can be surrounded by people, and still be alone? When I was 13 , He came and told me I belonged to Him and that I was called for Greatness.. And I believed Him… I told God, “Here I am! Choose me, send me! For you, I will go” and so I went..
I went down into the Valley of the Shadow of Death, into the Pit of Despair, Fear Anxiety and all of the things that are meant to break your entire a spirit… For over a decade , it felt like tentacles slowly wrapping around my legs and arms, my body, my mind and thoughts… I was drowning and then to make matters worse … I had to go through one of the results of living in self loathe and a toxic internal environment : Cancer.
When you go through deep waters, remind yourself that there is an assignment against you , your life your heart, your children and your children’s children…
Let me tell you this day I remembered there was an assignment on my life and how I fought back: December 23, 2016
I’ll never forget this one day… I had been devastated by life. I felt abandoned , betrayed, and lost.
I fell onto my kitchen tile floor, home alone … Sobbing in Pain…
And as I sobbed on the floor , I had this understanding that in my pain and disbelief of the reality of my situation… The adversary ..was watching me … At my lowest at what I felt was a shattering of my heart…
I used MY OWN FREE Will to audibly say these words…. between sobs, as my tears formed puddles on the tile floor…
I said, “I love you Jesus… I Love you Jesus” It’s hard to speak or pray or do anything when you are collapsed on the floor in complete disarray but… I didn’t finish there…
I whimpered, “I love you Jesus… I Love you………… I know, Jesus, this isn’t from you.. You Love me…. I am your daughter….”
As each statement came out of my mouth… More tears would pour out of my eyes, but I continued…” I love you Jesus ….. and there is NOTHING that will ever make me stop loving you” and that to this day has been a Fact.
Two days later , my father died and I would have to travel alone, to grieve alone without support from a spouse but thankfully with the support of mom and my family… Those who know me know about a Christmas Miracle I received on the day my father passed. Two days after sobbing on my Kitchen tile floor, as I was walking to my connecting Flight.. I didn’t know my father was passing away in that exact moment but before He died , He came to me.. I was close to jogging to make it to my flight to NY and I heard a voice that felt like Thunder. It was my dads voice , he said “I LOVE YOU! I am so Proud of You!”
I like to believe that maybe God showed him that I was going to walk that same path that my grandmother passed : Cancer and that what my father went through : the break down of the physical body… and maybe just maybe… God allowed Papi to see me TODAY… An Overcomer of sickness, disease, abuse and generational curses that were sent to be the end of me.. Not my life.. the end of my sanity….
A few months later Id find out that my husband at the time had continued a friendship with a woman for about a year… phone calls , texts…without my knowledge…. Remember the day I was sobbing on the tile floor… Well this heartbreak was even worse…
And obedience to God taught me to Love and Forgive…because the church says “GOD hate’s Divorce
Who calls their wife on Valentine’s Day then hangs up and right away calls their “secret friend” … The realities and heartbreaks I’ve had to face give me the right to tell you, judgmental small minded people to be careful how you speak about a child of God… because this child of God will one day be used to humble you.. Greatly and Publicly because at the end of the day… I have a story… You thought you took my voice and my identity… No, You were just the catalyst used to put me in a position to save my family , my children and for a thousand generations….
After that came to light, I spent the next year living as what I would call a “slave of the house” I’d spend the next year , trying to prove to my spouse that I was good enough, I was worthy of love .. Every day praying for just an ounce of love and affection…
You ever go to kiss your significant other , the one you have given your heart to and had them repeatedly , turn their cheek… or publicly tried to hold their hand, interlocking your hands, like two people who love each other only to have it shaken away.
When you are lost, you are lost. You can’t see in front of you and you can’t recognize the signs that the life you are in, the environment you are in is Toxic…
I endured some things that scarred me. Every day, those who love me and are in my life deal with… The scars and symptoms of mental and emotional abuse and the journey to recovery have been exhausting, difficult but so worth it… PTSD is real… I can be washing dishes and have flashbacks of a moment in time. I see it in a new perspective. I know it’s part of the healing journey but my goodness some memories are so sad… I have so much compassion for that Jessica that lived in that prison…
My saving Grace for over a decade: My boys. Their Love and Smiles Healed me.. I could hug them and their existence was like water to my thirsty soul.. A reminder of GODS perfect Love…
I finally had the courage to leave… For the second time. Yes, I left the first time but I believed in GOD and that He could repair us… What I realized later is that as human beings, we have FREE WILL … My Free Will can Choose God but you can’t force another person’s free will to choose God , Us and our family…
I can’t regret the decisions I had to make to survive. I even had a pastor from a big church call me and try to convince me to go back. I said Pastor, “ I have lived in this toxic cloud for almost a decade… You can’t see my wounds. But I have deep , gaping wounds that are bleeding and I can barely hold myself together, Pastor. Pastor, when He left, the CLOUD left with him. Immediately my Home had Peace. The heavy , Cloud that hung over my home , dissipated and I can’t go back.”
A few months later, my health took a turn and cancer came knocking on my door…
I believe that if I would not have ended the marriage when I did, I would have walked through cancer with this fraudulent love from a husband that made me feel like a pebble in his shoe and I could have died.
You cannot fight Cancer in a toxic environment… Anything less than true genuine LOVE and Support was not allowed to walk with me on my cancer journey. I was protected by my tormentors and laughed more in the year I went through cancer than in the previous 5 years… isn’t that something….
But God. God is the strength of my Heart and my portion forever…and He made out of no way..
He hand picked my Care Team and very few were able to hang in there through the entire journey and it’s okay… because what I needed to survive, God provided… How can I not be thankful? I’m alive, I’m well and Peace , Mercy and Goodness fills my cup daily….
My relationship with God over the past few decades has been a rollercoaster ride… but one thing always remained true… My Loyalty is to GOD, not man. No, there was no anger towards God but hurt. I felt so betrayed by Life… It was never supposed to be this way, but it happened.
And today, I feel sooo free and soo loved and so at Peace with where I am… And God… well He just likes to show off now. Life is exciting because I know miracle are around the corner.. They surprise me , I laugh, I delight and I keep fighting the good fight.
Th point of this blog… written today November 17th at 3am is to tell you…
I have a story. I went down into the pit, the darkest places that I would not wish on anyone…
And I waited… and waited and waited…
In the wait, lots of pain, lots of suffering, physical, mental , emotional, and sexual abuse all came after me…my heart, my children …
But I refused to waver in my belief and Trust in God…. I have to confess not only was it difficult but I cried and sometimes when I cried id say.. “God, I know you love me , I know that I’m your daughter. You Love me , I know you do.. even though this doesn’t feel like Love”
And He came… and He pulled me out… and here I am . Alive. And I have a story …
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, sometimes all we can hold on to is the very delicate hem of his garment because we are at the end of ourselves.. I tell you, Don’t let go…
He’s coming… He’s coming.. He’s moving mountains and tearing down walls and barriers to get to you… I promise…
Don’t LOSE HOPE….
After cancer, God gave me Job 42… I’m holding on to JOB 42 and so far so good….
To be continued…………..
The Anchor: A Steadfast Hope 